i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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