The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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