HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Just puked most of my soul out..
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
