what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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