Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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