I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
