Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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