Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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