I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Randomize
