I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
she peed on how many people?
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
