My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
