wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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