Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
my shit smells like andre
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
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