I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize