Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
The struggles of a small town man whore
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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