You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
