I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
