I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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