You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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