what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
