Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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