I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
