Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
