Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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