he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
