I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize