Got a toothbrush?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
