his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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