Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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