it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
