just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
