He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
