i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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