just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
he high fived his dick after we had sex
where are my eyebrows?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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