Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
His nipple licking is glorious
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