OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
