you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
You ate ashes out of my bong
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
