Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
