from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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