Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize