who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Randomize