if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
