Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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