Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
