I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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