Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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