And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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