Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Randomize
