my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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