2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
