I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
