Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
