"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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